


Don't Drink the Tea

by bluelionsbish



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Bromance, Crack, F/M, Female Protagonist, Ferdinand - Freeform, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Spoilers, Fluff, Garreg Mach Monastery (Fire Emblem), Gen, Mentioned Black Eagles Students (Fire Emblem), Mentioned Golden Deer Students (Fire Emblem), Pre-Time Skip, Reader-Insert, Romance, School, Spoilers, bluelionsbish, claude has a crush on reader, claude poisons people, ferdie, ferdinand and lorenz support dialogue, lorenz - Freeform, lorenz is insufferable, reader is shy, the crack writing started and ferdinand somehow ended up like this, who taught this kid, why does he know how to poison people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 06:22:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21231230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluelionsbish/pseuds/bluelionsbish
Summary: You once again look at Claude. "This isn't going to kill them, right?"Claude gives you a shrug, "If anything it would give them a serious case of the tummy rumbles.""The...tummy rumbles." You laugh. This whole situation is absurd, "Remind me to never get on your bad side. Or have you handle my tea leaves."





	Don't Drink the Tea

**Author's Note:**

> This was a detailed request from a user on wattpad (obvs cross posted now, underneath the same name! Check it out!). They wanted something light, fluffy, and funny. I can only hope I delivered, because I'm so far down the angst hole that I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to write something whole-hearted again lmao  
Someone put "no beta we die like Glenn" on a t-shirt bcs that shit is my motto right now.

"I am Ferdinand Von Aegir!"

The noble stands off to the side, posing with a hand on his chest and an arm in the air like some regal ballerina. His hair is the colour of a sunset, but that's frankly the only redeeming quality he has. He has yet to leave you alone, for the fifth consecutive day in a row.

"I know, Ferdinand," you sigh, forefinger and thumb pinching the bridge of your nose. There's a flush on your cheeks, and you hope he doesn't mistake it for anything but the embarrassment that it is.

Class has just been released. Students from various different houses are meandering the monastery. The members of the Golden Deer are loud as they make their way into the mess hall, laughing and talking freely amongst each other. Claude is in the midst of them, hands thrown behind his head as he strolls leisurely along, chatting with the new Professor.

"_I am Ferdinand Von Aegir!_" the noble interrupts, as if that completely expresses his sentiments. He has your attention again and he's closer to you now than he was previously. You don't care for the way he hovers over your shoulder as you sit on the fishing dock. You have half a mind to shove him into the water below, although it wouldn't be very becoming for a lady of your stature. You come from the house of a minor lord, after all. It is why Ferdinand is currently attempting to get into your good graces.

"Why, Ferdinand, it is always a pleasure to see you." You sigh in defeat, turning ever so slightly to see the newcomer. Not that you need to confirm who it is; his voice and heavy rose perfume give it away. He brightens immediately upon looking at you.

"Ah, my dearest lady," he says in acknowledgement, gracing the back of your hand with a chaste kiss.

"Lorenz," you greet, yanking back your hand and looking out towards the water. If Ferdinand was annoying, Lorenz was positively _insufferable._

"Ferdinand, forgive my intrusion, but I have something to ask of the lady in our presence." Lorenz smiles in his direction, but his mouth is pinched.

_Ah, _you think, _here we go again._

"Ferdinand Von Aegir?" the noble responds, moving his head to the side. He's almost cute; it was unfortunate he wouldn't keep his mouth shut.

Lorenz shakes his head, "Unfortunately not, Ferdinand."

You watch the two interact in slight disbelief each time—you are never fully able to, ah, understand what it is that Ferdinand is trying to communicate. Other than he wanted a date, but you had only figured that out after seeing Lorenz let out a scandalized gasp, claiming that _he _was trying to woo you and would not allow Ferdinand to sully his attempts.

"Ferdinand Von Aegir!" the sunny noble protests, glancing at you with a strange fire in his eyes.

"We've discussed this, Ferdinand. You have immaculate taste when it comes to tea, but you are positively _tasteless_ when it comes to matters of the heart!" He whips out a handkerchief and dabs at the corners of his eyes.

"Ferdinand Von Aeg-" the other noble begins, only for Lorenz to cut him off. Ferdinand's eyes narrow, completely forgoing etiquette and instead opts to ignore Lorenz entirely. His voice is soft as he takes your hand in his, fingers warm and calloused.

"-How _dare _you!" Lorenz indignantly says. He too, takes a hand in his, unwilling to back down; it's smoother than Ferdinand's, "I shall be the one to court the lady!"

Your face is hot with discomfort as you're tugged both ways by the bickering men. It is enough to saw at your already frayed nerves. You hate attention in general and try to keep to yourself most days, but your quiet life at the monastery had met with a violent upheaval the day you encountered Ferdinand Von Aegir and Lorenz Hellman Gloucester.

You can hear Ferdinand spitting out his name in rebuttal to something Lorenz is saying, but your eyes are glazing over as you try to tune them out. They're still pulling on your hands, rocking you back and forth on the dock. The wood bites into your skin.

"My lady," Lorenz begins, kneeling before you, "it would bring me great honour if one such as yourself were to join me for tea."

Ferdinand gets on his knees too, "Ferdinand Von A-"

"Oh, do hush now, please," Lorenz seethes, "the lovely lady here was just about to accept my invitation to tea."

The other noble glares holes into Lorenz's face. He turns back to you, "_Ferdinand_ Von Aegir?"

"Why on _earth _would she want to tend to the horses with you?" Lorenz bristles, "That is hardly a proper first date. And you call yourself a noble, hah!"

They go back to yanking you between them. Your shoulders are starting to hurt.

"Ferdinand! Von! Aegir!"

"Cease this foolery at once."

"Ferdinand VON AEGIR."

"Absolutely not. I forbid it!"

"Fe-"

"-She is not going to court you, Ferdinand! She will be courting me, a noble of prestige!"

This exchange carries on for a good while.

"Forgive us, milady," Lorenz finally says, as he gives your hand another pull. He's simultaneously trying to slay Ferdinand with his eyes, "but would you do us the kind favour of laying this dispute to rest?"

Your hands are sweaty and your arms are numb, but your legs work just fine as you abruptly stand up. Your face is scarlet as you shake off their hands. Your voice, usually erring on the quiet side, booms aloud from the dock, scaring away curious fish.

"Why would I want to date either of you when you've never taken my feelings into consideration?!"

Both Ferdinand and Lorenz look at you with wide eyes. They sit there, dumbly, watching as you storm off.

*

You practically flee the area. Frustration bubbles in your veins. You are so very _annoyed_.

Your let your feet take you where they want to go, and are pleasantly surprised when you find yourself in front of the gazebo. With a small sigh, you lower yourself to the ground and lean against one of the pillars, closing your eyes.

There are footsteps to your left. You crack open your eyes, frown evident on your face, and huff as you prepare yourself for another noble onslaught.

"Hiding out?"

You visibly flinch in surprise. It is not who you are expecting.

"Whoa," Claude says, green eyes twinkling, "didn't mean to scare you." He's yet to take a seat next to you. He has this look on his face that would send most people running for the hills, but you think the air of mischief suits him. He's staring at you. Your cheeks are red again as you avert your gaze and give your hair a small twirl, a nervous habit you had recently picked up.

"Sorry about Lorenz, he tends to be rather infuriating," he says, after a moment of quiet, "I can't say much for Ferdie, though. He's just strange."

You go crimson in mortification. "You saw that?" you nearly squawk. This makes Claude laugh.

And then he smiles. And oh, his smile is absolutely _entrancing_. It makes your heart flutter just the tiniest bit. Maybe it makes your heart flutter more than that. Maybe it feels like your ribcage is being stepped on repeatedly by a demonic beast.

He's got this confidence that radiates about him, as if he knows how handsome he is. Which he probably does, you realize, because he's a schemer through and through and knows _exactly_ how to get people to do what he wants. A lot of it has to do with his looks--okay, _most _of it does.

He grins at you suddenly, and the air in your lungs leaves you with a whoosh. It's almost as if you've been punched, the way you wheeze up at him in response. You know it's unsightly, but he's a kind enough guy not to comment on it.

"How about you and I cook up a little plan of sorts? So you can enact a bit of revenge," Claude offers, watching the way your nose scrunches up in uncertainty. He holds out his hand to help you up.

You'd do anything to get Lorenz and Ferdinand to stop. _Anything_.

You take his hand, looking up at him in expectation. He has a mind for trickery, after all.

*

You and Claude find yourselves hiding behind a particularly tall cedar, observing the two men who sat in the adjacent courtyard, sipping some tea.

"Ah," Lorenz breathes, "such exquisite tea."

"Ferdinand," responds Ferdinand.

"Would you be so good as to indulge me with a second cup?"

The other noble pours the tea into Lorenz's cup silently.

"Ah, what a delightful aroma. When I close my eyes, I feel as though I've wandered into a rose garden."

Ferdinand makes a noble noise of understanding, and nods.

"How gracious of you. Very well," Lorenz replies with a tilt of his head, "mm, yes. Flavour, fragrance, and hue, all in fine harmony. This is a most superior brew. And in a market saturated by pale imitation, no less. You did well to acquire such fine fare."

"Ferdinand Von Aegir!"

Lorenz lets out a laugh, "Certainly. Proper etiquette at tea time is one of the surest hallmarks of quality breeding. And the extent of one's attentiveness is quite often indicative of the depth of one's character. The ability of a person of fine stock to exhibit a rich quality of character is precisely what determines whether one is worthy to be called noble. All of that can be seen in how one handles such a simple thing as a cup of tea."

"Ferdinand," Ferdinand acquiesces to his rant.

"Likewise. It is truly a shame milady were unable to join me. Although I do suppose you are not entirely terrible company to keep, Ferdinand. You do belong to a house with a fine pedigree. This-"

You rustle the cedar as you turn to Claude, blatantly ignoring the two men gushing over tea. You can see Claude's eyes are glazing over, much like yours did earlier in the day, "When is it going to take effect?"

Claude pulls his attention away from Lorenz, who is still prattling on about the meanings of tea and the proper use of teacups and the loveliest of cakes.

"Oh," his smile is a lot like the Cheshire, wide and full of teeth, "you'll see. The oil might have settled at the bottom of the pot."

You frown slightly, "Are you sure this won't kill them?"

You may have to take back your previous statement of your willingness to do _anything_. You will do anything _short_ of killing a man. You hope Claude knows what he's doing.

He throws an arm over your shoulder, "Ah, come on! Have a little faith. Have you ever known one of my schemes to go awry?"

You give him a blank look. "Didn't you accidentally poison yourself last week?"

He lets go of you and coughs uncomfortably into his hand. "A _small _miscalculation on my part," he amends, "other than that, everything went smoothly."

At this point, Lorenz is grimacing. He's clutching his stomach and wobbles to his feet.

You once again look at Claude. "You're positive this will only make them sick, right?"

Claude gives you a shrug, "If anything it would give them a serious case of the tummy rumbles."

"The...tummy rumbles." You laugh. This whole situation is absurd, "Remind me to never get on your bad side. Or have you handle my tea leaves."

Claude places a hand over his heart, "Ouch, you wound me!"

You look up at him, take in his soft brown hair and freckles, and you know your own heart's been stolen, "Thanks for this, Claude."

The boy chuckles, "Any time."

There's a clinking of tea saucers and you quickly look back to the nobles. Sure enough, Ferdinand is now joining Lorenz on his feet. They both hunch over and groan, sweat beading at their foreheads.

"Ferdinand, my good man," Lorenz nearly whines, "have we follied? Perhaps this was an imitation brew after all. I dare say, we may have to refine our tastes further-"

The other noble heaves and stops Lorenz's flow of speech. He flops to the ground in a heap. His hands clutch the side of the tea table in a minute horror.

"Ferdinand?"

"That is what I am asking," Lorenz clarifies, "it would seem as though we both—" He claps a hand over his mouth as his stomach gives a pathetic grumble. It bubbles up and out of his throat, resulting in a rather disgusting belch.

Ferdinand looks appalled.

"Try not to be so affronted," Lorenz chides through gasping breaths, "you are not so becoming for a noble at present, either."

Ferdinand's face is deathlike in pallor.

Lorenz is barely keeping it together. A rather pungent smell wafts its way over to where you and Claude hide.

"Phew!" the house leader exclaims, "Wow, alright, maybe I ought to tone down the dosage." He makes a mental note of this and turns back to you. You're laughing and clapping your hands together in glee. It's a nice look on you.

"You know, that smile of yours is nice to see. Kind of makes me happy, actually."

You freeze momentarily as Claude says this.

Lorenz and Ferdinand are still deep in the midst of whatever hell Claude has unleashed on them, but with his jovial nature, you already feel at ease.

"Really brightens up your face," he says, "makes you look quite beautiful." His green eyes are flashing with mirth as your face flushes once more. He knows what he's doing to you, and you don't mind that he does.

So you give in. It's your turn to disarm him an honest smile. It's a little timid, sure, but it's real and has Claude's eyes widening a fraction.

"You're quite handsome yourself."

As if suddenly realizing what you're saying, you snake around Claude's form and get ready to bolt.

"Hold on a second," he calls out and grabs your arm, "I'd very much like to see the look on your face when you compliment me again."

You turn around slowly, "...Again?"

"Yes!" he says this with utmost confidence, "I've just figured out a way to get those clowns for nobles off your back _for good_."

"Uh."

"Isn't my dastardly devious mind simply wonderful?"

"Uh..."

"You're going to let the flies in if your mouth keeps hanging open like that," he chuckles.

Claude drags you out into the open. He ignores your struggling and shoves you in front of him. Lorenz wails, "I am unfit for your gaze, dear lady!"

"Ferdinand Von _blarrrghh._"

"Avert your eyes, do not look upon such a pitiful sight!"

You try not to. But you can't help biting your tongue in amusement. The fact that the two _noblest of nobles _are currently clawing at the ground in pain, whimpering like babies, has you fit to be tied.

"Anyway," Claude cuts everyone off effectively, "just thought you both should know that your lady is now dating the future Duke Riegan. She's off limits," he looks down his nose at them, "toodles!"

Claude drags you off a final time, and turns to you expectantly. He's the very embodiment of a dog who wants to be told he's a good boy. You want to pat his head, for some strange reason.

You glance at his curls, resisting the itch of your palms. No, that is dangerous territory.

"I'm ready for my compliment."

Your face is red as you thank him again. He frowns.

"Why so formal? Shouldn't you be giving your boyfriend a kiss?" He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and you're positive you're frothing at the mouth.

He merely laughs as you run away.


End file.
